Flooding: When confrontation turns into conflict.

Flooding refers to a state of becoming emotionally overwhelmed—when your nervous system is so activated during conflict that you can no longer think clearly, communicate effectively, or stay emotionally regulated. It’s when your heart is racing, your muscles tense, and your brain is going into fight-or-flight mode. You might:

- Feel the urge to yell, shut down, or walk away

- Become defensive or overly critical

- Struggle to listen or speak calmly

- Feel physically agitated or shaky

- Mentally “check out” or go numb

- Feel the need to walk away

John and Julie Gottman’s research, conducted over 40 years, found that when a person's heart rate exceeds around 100 beats per minute during conflict (varies by fitness level and other factors), they’re likely in, or entering, a flooded state. When you're flooded, it's nearly impossible to engage constructively. Even well-intentioned conversations can spiral out of control.

Why Flooding Matters in Relationships

Flooding is a key predictor of poor conflict outcomes. In the heat of the moment, flooded partners are more likely to:

- Use the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)

- Say things they don’t mean

- Misinterpret their partner’s words or intent

- Escalate the conflict

It can create a cycle: conflict leads to flooding, which leads to more conflict—and over time, this erodes trust and emotional safety.

What To Do When You’re Flooded

The Gottmans emphasize self-soothing as the antidote to flooding. That means taking a break—not to avoid the conversation, but to reset your nervous system.

Steps might include:

1. Recognize when you’re flooded – Tune in to your body. If your heart is pounding, you can’t think straight, or you feel like fleeing or attacking, you’re probably flooded.

2. Verbally call a timeout – Say something like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed—I need 20-30 minutes to calm down.” or "Let's take a break and revisit this tomorrow."

3. Engage in calming activities – Deep breathing, walking, listening to music, or any quiet activity that helps your body return to a calmer baseline.

4. Return to the conversation – After about 20–30 minutes, come back when both partners are emotionally regulated.

The goal is not to suppress your feelings, but to respond rather than react.

Flooding is a normal part of human relationships, especially during conflict. But learning to recognize and manage it can dramatically improve how you navigate difficult conversations, and it makes a huge difference in the long-term health of the relationship.